Gossip, How to Deal With

From a participant

If the gossip is about changes at the church, I will generally ask a question:  Are you willing to go with me to the people who are talking and talk this out together?  When I ask the person (and in my previous place, it was usually one or two) over and over again, they usually stop coming.  Does that stop the gossip, not really, but it doesn’t get in my way, then, either.  Here’s another frequent attempt:  Gossip says:  “so-and-so is very concerned about…”  I respond:  well, encourage them to come and speak with me about it.  They counter:  They are not comfortable speaking with you about it.  Me:  then there’s not much I can do, because until I hear it first hand, it’s just hearsay.  Sorry.  

Gossips will gossip – it’s what they do.  It’s not right, but, you don’t have to pay attention to it.  On the other hand, I sometimes like to hear the hearsay, because generally the one passing it on is giving some information – when you sift it out, you can begin to get a picture of what changes are causing uneasiness.  Not so you can stop the changes, but rather so you can see that the changes are big enough that folks are beginning to feel it.  If you’re making changes and no one is gossiping/complaining about it, I think the changes aren’t big enough.

Gossip about other people needs to be nipped in the bud.  At my previous congregation, the Session had gotten in the habit of talking about their flock around the table in pretty critical (not constructive) ways.  At the first meeting, I stopped the conversation cold and said we were not going to continue in that fashion.  If something needed to be said about a member’s work or participation as it impacted the transformation of the church, it would be done in a neutral and constructive manner (as opposed to judgmental and hurtful).  Needless to say, that set a tone with the Session.  Did it stop that night?  No.  But I became very consistent in calling people down on this and pretty soon (after about 6 months of monthly meetings) the gossip stopped around that table.  The hurtful comments uttered by a few continued in the parking lot and in coffee hour, but at least, I was trying to lead the way the Session should behave.  

Having said all that – when you try to model and lead regarding gossipers, you can be sure that folks who get power from information processing/control will not respond well (unless they are trying to change their behavior already).  Calling people on this may create more tension, but your leadership will take folks who want to go to a new level of communication – speech with integrity and honesty.
From a participant

This has become my favorite subject to talk about....Gossip....why because I understand the monster....

Here is what I do - I communicate early and often that if you have a problem you need to take it directly to the leadership you have the problem with.  Second, as leadership if you hear a problem someone is having with someone else and you don't take them to that person right then....you will have an unpleasant conversation with me about protecting the integrity of the leadership in our church.  Then I will take you and WE will go to that person and in love handle the communication correctly.

I make it clear that I have little to no grace for gossip in leadership - I heard it said recently that "if you are complaining about someone and it is not that person that you are complaining too - you shouldn't be speaking."

I have found more recently that when "they" come up I start asking who that is publicly and it stopped all together.  Then I started asking for names whenever someone said "someone" is upset about..... Guess what happened - it stopped getting back to me...

Still - early and frequent communication about biblical communication styles is the best policy.

From a participant

- I have preached on Matthew 18:15; I have spoken to the leadership group regarding gossip and the phrases, "someone told me  . . . " and I have said I will not listen to their issue if you will not tell me their name.  I will not tolerate and when someone wants to talk to me about another staff person, I will not talk to them unless they have first spoken to the staff person.  And then I will speak with them and the staff person together.

I preach on it, but I also sadly recognize there are some people who sit in the pews week after week and still don't know Christ.  They will continue to complain and cause strife in the church.  I have led some of the leaders to confront these people on the spot, and not let them get away with it.

Part of my definition of gossip is combined with slander -- if what you are saying is not encouraging, but is destructive and unnecessary for others to hear, then don't say it.  And I try to teach others to stop the person speaking.

From a Participant

Don't remember the source, but I remember reading a couple years ago that gossip is a big piece of "hostage taking." People gossip among themselves, the sort that the leadership never hears because it's got its own communication channel, floating negative opinions. Most of those that they talk to are ambivalent and haven't much of an opinion, however they hear the hostage taker and agree to either be amenable or to dispense with the conversation. The hostage taker is empowered as they gossip from person to person, sharing with unsuspecting people who has already agreed with them, until they feel confident enough to go to a pastor or other leader and begin talking about the large portion of the congregation on whose behalf they are acting.

It's a way of attempting to gain control in a system that is elevating anxiousness because they know they are impotent against a clear vision. As Deb so aptly pointed out, the increase in gossip is a good sign that progress is being made. It seems that the more difficult thing is to channel this energy into a process for strengthening the DNA.

From a participant

I’ve had folks try the “confidentiality” issue with me and I will accept that if it is a matter of mental or physical health or when someone wants to make an anonymous contribution to a church fund, but otherwise, I told them if there’s a concern about the church, we would address it when it comes in as an official question or statement – that is, spoken or written in a direct and meaningful way, not brought in through the side door and whispered in three or four ears.  In the case of my previous congregation – we offered a number of opportunities for people to air their concerns – town hall forums, surveys with quite open-ended questions and an open door policy for Session meetings.  Unfortunately, no one wanted to own their “stuff.”  It’s easier to rock the boat anonymously than take what might be seen by some as an unpopular stand (in our case – the few gossipy gripes were going on about things they didn’t like, but which were, in fact, transforming the congregation from nearly dead to sparkling with new life).  In addition, I always offered the chance to go with the “reporter” and speak to the person(s) face to face.  
Prayer is especially helpful to me in these cases.  It’s harder for me to confront the evil that gossip really is, than to ignore it and there were times when I dreaded going to meetings because I knew I would have to face it head on.
From a participant
In my experience you cannot deal with gossip effectively unless you have mentored spiritually strong leaders. If you don't have strong leaders you can trust, everything you do will just be patching up a leaking boat.

The leaders have to communicate strongly and frequently to the congregation that they have a covenant of behavior that they adhere to. One behavior covenant, for example, is not to speak for others but to empower people to speak for themselves. Another is not to accept anonymous complaints. Another is to make "I statements", to own ones own feelings.

With this kind of behavior modeled by the church leaders I have had some success with creating what we might call an "over information loop". If it seems that a subject might cause concern - and that can be the start of the gossip cycle - I use every way to communicate the leadership view to the congregation: newsletter articles, bulletin inserts, mention in public prayer, congregation discussion groups, member visitation, letter to the congregation. Amazing as it may seem there are are still people who say, "I didn't know ..." , "I didn't understand..."

I know this takes a lot of energy but over time you can build up the trust level. Sometimes gossip stems from fear, fear that the leadership will betray the hopes and dreams of the congregation. The leadership can build trust by being very open and not trying to hide decisions behind closed doors.

I really think strong, differentiated leadership is the key. Sadly I know a lot of adults who never saw church leaders teach them that gossip is harmful to the body of Christ.

From a participant

I had this problem fairly early on in my current situation. There were rumors flying everywhere. I took one Sunday and talked a little bit about the biblical stance on gossip. Then I addressed each of the rumors in a humorous way. I put together a powerpoint presentation that looked like a tabloid newspaper with funny pictures and headlines...each of the headlines represented one of the rumors that was flying around the church.

While this isn't for everyone, it worked fairly well in our situation. Nobody felt attacked and the humor in the presentation pretty much disarmed the backlash that might have occurred. I think that people knew after that that if they had something to say, they should come to me rather than spreading things around.

From Bill Easum

I’ve found that “they” never exist.  You are talking with “they.” It is just a smoke screen for someone to air their feelings without saying, “This is how I feel.”
From a participant

I have to agree with Bill, when people approach me with “they said” I approach it one of two ways.  I ask them to clarify who “they is’ and if they don’t, I don’t give them the pleasure of sharing OR, more often, I cut them off and ask “How do you feel about this PERSONALLY?”  I don’t make them feel attacked or found out, but I have to have a face with the complaint or I won’t take my time with it.  Usually “THEY” means “I” and the person is then free to share their opinion and I give them audience.  The rumor mill is a huge trap for a leader, they can fall into trying to please “they” and not do what has to be done OR spend a huge amount of time tracking down the source of rumors and getting off track.

I do have a couple of trusted leaders who bring things to my attention that they think could be a problem and they share NAMES with me.  I don’t often react but I know to keep my eye on the situation.  Many of my “problem” children go along with everything but just grumble.  Some of them just need extra attention and some I have to work with and have them feel they are on the “inside” of the leadership.
From Tom Bandy
The focus has so far been on the tactics of how to handle Gossip ... and there has been hidden assumption that gossip is probably inevitable. I'l like to urge everyone to look at the ORIGINS of gossip ... why does it happen in the first place?

I define "gossip" as "what happens in the absence of mission". Leaders need to understand that, if the church is troubled by gossip ... or if you are embroiled in discussion about issues of confidentiality ... that usually means people in the church don't have anything better to do with their energy. They are not clear and impassioned about mission.

Consider ... I know churches that were caught up in gossip, and had meeting after meeting about confidentiality ... and all it took was a local calamity, sending all the people out in a united, passionate, purposeful mission outreach ... and suddenly nobody was gossiping and there wasn't any need to meet to clarify confidentiality.

So the best prevention against gossip is to be more aggressive and assertive about defining and aligning a church around mission. Do that, and gossip will be minimized.
From Bill Easum
Tom’s point is well taken. It is the essence of the story I tell about Wayne Cordiero in their early years how in the middle of the night while they were setting up chairs for Sunday worship a man snapped rudely at a women. Wayne took him aside and said, “Go home. That kind of spirit is not welcome here.” He then said, “If you take care of the little things, the big things never happen.”
From a participant
That’s an interesting point.  Looking back at the progress of our church, I’d have to say I agree.  Now that we’ve streamlined just about everything, and we’re incredibly focused on our simplified mission- to pray and worship- expectations to move in contrary directions aren’t as prevalent.  
Back in the day, when we were trying to do things that were outside of our vision and giftings, the door flew wide open to scrutiny.  People had some fuel to burn with the lit match of gossip.
It’s very easy now, when people have questions about an absent program or activity we simply let them know that it’s not in our DNA to go in that direction.  For example, a lady wanted counseling this past Sunday.  We told her we’d love to sit down with her- once.  I told her we’re not a counseling church.  We’re a prayer and worship center.  However, we are committed to her and after an initial meeting we can connect her with a professional counseling group if she would like.
Of course, we also offered connectivity through the few small groups we’ve set up, through other relationships, etc.  
So, for us, the streamlined approach works.  It’s fairly hard for people to gossip about what we have declared isn’t a part of the DNA of the church.  They know that my primary duties revolve around prayer.  Expectations for me to be at their house all the time aren’t there.  Expectations for me to really be anything other than a vision caster, big dreamer, prayer guy and an equipper are pretty much gone.  Talk about freedom!
Now, if we screw up in what IS a part of our DNA, then I guess people will have something to talk about!